Some very odd ramblings about my polar bear!
In true me style I wanted to write a post about one thing then other things came to mind only for me to return to the original idea and get a mind block.
I left that blog post with all intentions of rerurning to it later but that block hasn't cleared.
So while I lay beside my sleeping husband at 5pm on a rainy Singapore afternoon I try to clear my mind so I can write.
Everyone talks about the black dog of depression but it almost sounds comforting, don't you think? This big black dog cuddling up to you all the time, keeping you warm and safe. No wonder so many people stay so close to it.
Truly living is scary! Scary as hell especially when you spend your life being told to dull down your excitement and happiness. If you are happy and excited about life you are crazy!! Right?!
On saturday morning husband step daughter and I went for breakfast at this super cute cafe in South Perth called The Secret Garden (best breakfast I have had in ages btw). We were joined by my mother in law and also our nephew. He is a super loud kid, he has so much excitement.
I admit I told him to lower his voice a couple of times but both he and step daughter were being really well behaved.
As we left this women, pulled some ear plugs out of no where and said "I don't need these now."
I was so mad! It hit home to me yet again the power of our words. I always cried too much as a kid, over emotional. I was always too much for people.
At family gatherings I was told to tone it down. Not because my mum didn't love me but because she actually had spent years being told to tone it down by her brothers that she had got used to that being the norm. Even one of my brothers does it to me, A LOT! It annoys me.
It is so important we embrace these eccentricities! These are what make us individual. These are where artists are born.
As my mental health took a turn for the best recently, I found myself becoming more conscious of not wanting to be too out there.
When husband met me I was outgoing, fun, exciting, bubbly joyful. I wasn't concerned about being too much i was very content with me. It was obviously acceptable as the gypsy stripper I was to be wild and free.
But in January 2016 my mental health slowly started to detiriated and by the beginning of February I was suicidal. This was not the black dog of depression but the polar bear of bi polar. She was getting her claws in and I was losing myself more and more by the day. I deleted facbook. I told the doctor this is it, i can't live anymore.
Most days I would just cry while the depression side of the polar bear would hold me. Some days though would be terrifying anger at myself, at husband, at the world. These outburst usually ended with me in a pile on the floor begging for help or just to die.
This went on for well over a year.
The episodes got further apart and I would have more happy days than sad but I was still sad.
The other issue being a women your hormones meet the polar bear and they have a party. So the day before that time of the month I became suicidal again. Being a woman is a trap, I tell you... next time I may come back as a man!
For a over a year I had these ups and downs but my ups were never high enough I couldn't quite reach the me point where I was actually myself even though I would tell anyone that listened I was happy again. Or the highs were just a tad too high and I was a little hyper.
One of the reasons I had become so sad was the gypsy stripper side of me had no outlet in normal society and couldn't live side by side with the corporate housewife I was trying to be.
That is the same person honest!
I had no shame in my previous career, I was happy but now I was my husbands PA and he wasn't keen on people finding out what I use to do. It had been a massive part of me and trying to squish my stories down was hard. I became very concious of being TOO MUCH. I didn't want to upset my new husband but I also didn't realise that by trying to contain Pixie (my old stage name) a little bit of me was dying everyday.
I am sure the polar would have popped by anyway....
New career!
New home!
New country!
New marriage!
I could go on, I am sure that alone would distrupt a sane persons mind.
While trying to find myself, I found friends that have become family. I have found passions I want to make life. My love for my husband grows.
The biggest thing I found was the reason I couldn't find happiness was because of me! Yep me! Self censorship!
I was the one saying be quiet. Don't talk to loud. Don't smile too much. Don't dance in public. Don't laugh too loud.
It was me not allowing myself to be happy because I believed I had to be something I am not. But about 2 weeks ago it clicked in my mind and I smiled and felt like myself and this time when I said to husband I am me again he agreed!
