Actually Being Pregnant Part 2

There I was 6 weeks in, thinking it was going to be easy. My mum and her partner Pip (his childhood nickname which we only discovered when we met some friends of his that happened to live in Perth) had arrived for their 3 week adventure which I had been planning... but for some reason hadn't been able to bring myself to book anything.

I did sadly book one thing which was unfortunate, as the only thing I had booked was Bali. This was also meant to be our first ever holiday with SD but the volcano erupted cancelling all our flights. SORRY MUM!

Instead we ended up in Bussleton, still nice but not The Grand Mirage!

Whilst in Bussleton I suddenly felt as though I was on a boat and wanted to throw up every time I moved. Plus I had to listen to The Lonely Island song I'm on a boat on repeat because well why not and I a guilty pleasure of mine is The Lonely Island, this is strictly between you and me!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avaSdC0QOUM

I felt so awful for mum, still feel awful actually because I was not a fun person to be around at all. I didn't want to be touched which was alien for mum as we have always been affectionate. I was moody and just wanted to stay in bed. (Hopefully I can make up for it this time round but I am a little tired and moody at the moment trying to settle in to mum life, whoops).

Back to the story, god I ramble sorry!

6 weeks pregnant, I am on a boat (not literally), keep being sick, I am moody, I have constipation, and all I is want to sleep. I suddenly realise it is not my body anymore, it now belongs to the pea sized little human inside my womb.

For the next 10 - 12 weeks I was on a rollercoaster of sickness and trying to poop and not to mention what it was doing to my mental state.

Before I fell pregnant we had met with a perinatal psychiatrist, who warned us that during pregnancy and the first 3 months after birth I was at high risk of a relapse. I have Bipolar Effective Disorder Type 1. Bipolar is a mental illness that swings between mania and depression. There are 3 types depending on the mania/depression ratio. I take a few different medications but Lithium is the most famous and the one that really keeps me level. In the past I had always been told that to have a baby I must stop taking my medication, this was not an option for me. But the doctor explained I could continue to take my medication as the risks were low.

My mood generally stayed quite level in the first 18 weeks of pregnancy, I was probably too busy dealing with the physical symptoms to feel anything else. Some days I would be a little hyper, my words would become slightly rushed or as husband said the pitch of my laugh would change.

At around 17/18 weeks I was at my regular appointment with my psychiatrist and told him I had a pain in my side/back area and I hadn't been able to sleep. He phoned the obstetrician at the CAMI Clinic at King Edward Memorial Hospital and they said I could go straight up. He didn't want me to drive after all I hadn't slept and wouldn't let me leave without organising at lift.

Once I got there, they prescribed antibiotics and said it was probably just an infection.

Around this time in my pregnancy, my emotions became more frayed. I was anxious and agitated. I was either hyper or crying in a corner. I wasn't manic or depressed but definitely not myself. I shut off from the world, I didn't have the energy and I missed important events. This also I feel led to me losing a very close friend, I don't know the actual reason. Something I have been trying to come to terms with since the gap between us started to show.

You see signs every where that say "JUST talk about it" but it isn't "JUST" like you don't just throw in to a conversation the amount of times you have attempted suicide or the fact you can't get out of bed today because your mind has control. There is still a massive stigma around. I don't say this very often but mania before it erupts is enjoyable, you have a freedom in your soul that isn't there when you are level. If I said this to you would you judge me? Course you would its quite natural. For you to understand though I need to be honest. For me to help others be honest I have to be transparent.

While my mood was gently swinging and I was hiding from the world the pain in my back was increasing. It was now going from the back to front. I couldn't sit for long 10 mins max, lying down was painful too. I didn't know what to do. Some nights I would just roll around on our lounge (room) floor trying to find a semi comfortable position. I was in hell and felt I couldn't really open up about my pain. I thought I was being a drama queen.

Ah damn Mum life calls, be back soon! To Be Continued...