Learning To Walk Rather Than Fly

Marriage has been hard for me, not because I don't love husband or I want to see other people. Because I felt my wings had been clipped and I needed to learn to use my legs again after many years of flying.

For 7 years, I didn't answer to anyone, I took time off work when I wanted, I went on holiday when I wanted, I worked more when I needed money. I didn't have set days or locations. I could work anywhere I wanted. And I did Brighton, London, Portugal, Ibiza and more.

When we got married husband assured me that getting married did not mean settling down for us but as you all know life happens! And when it does it happens in such a big way and everything comes at once. Husband found himself dealing with so much and being the person he is threw himself even harder in to work and was giving me more work, which although I was very capable to do I struggled with.

I was alone, a lot. I worked from home and husband worked from the office. We would eat dinner at 10pm nearly every night. Rather than dealing with this and taking a hold of my struggle I became so grounded I was stuck. I didn't want to go out or see people. I cocooned myself in our apartment. The only people other than husband I saw were step daughter and our friend tortoise (not his real name).

I had no wings.

In the past when I had become depressed I had traveled but I couldn't. I was trying to work for husband and still put on a brave face. I was trying to show that I had learnt to run yet really I was crawling.

Then one day I was on the phone to husband, he was driving to an appointment, he had only just left the apartment, been gone a few minutes. I was so upset, I can't tell you what had been said, but it was all my fault. I could not see a way out. I ran to the bathroom and started swallowing pills as fast as I could. The next thing I remember I was in hospital and a psychiatrist asking how I was.

That day husband made the executive decision that we needed to buy our house, while I love our little (big) project, I couldn't help feeling my wings had been clipped a little more.

Most women dream to have the house, the husband, the kids, the dogs, I dream for all that but I dream for more, India, Cambodia, Thailand, Fiji.

How can I have it all? How can I walk and fly?

I have spent the nearly 2 years now trying to figure it out and I am getting there. It is slow and some days I take massive steps backwards and lose all ambition and drive, I lay on the sofa those days and sulk. But what I am learning is husband is by my side in sickness (although he doesn't like that bit haha) and in health but if I want these things it is me that has to go get them. He is my anchor and I will be his wings.

I know that I can't work 9-5 Monday to Friday, I can't work for husband either, I need to work for me, to have freedom that is what I need to do. So now that is what I am doing, I am setting goals and putting plans in to action so that I can work for myself and pay for my travels and let my wings breathe. I will take husband too if he will take the time off work.

Everyday I learn something new about life and love and how the different parts of me can live together in harmony. One day I will find that harmony, until that day I will drive husband mad and make him wonder what he signed up for. I hope he knows how grateful I am even though I don't always show it.

And if you are in a dark place know that there is light at the end of that tunnel, it will come <3