Sink or Swim

Now let me start by saying I am going to be brutally honest about my life and my feelings. This is my account of my life right now, how I view it from the inside rather than how you may view it from the outside.

Now where do I start? Being pregnant, my marriage, my non existent career, my unruly dogs, being a step parent? Really there is so much for me to say about where I am now but where do I want to be.

The last few months have been a roller coaster, hahaha who am I kidding it's been a roller coaster of self discovery since I met husband 2 and a half years ago and not once have I stepped off that roller coaster. Maybe if this was the life I saw for myself or if I could envisage what my life should be the roller coaster would stop and I wouldn't be in this what seems slightly endless cycle of feeling lost and misunderstood. Yes like all the pop starlets of the 90's I find myself searching for understanding.

Husband is an INTJ personality, I have talked of this in the past and the challenges it creates. He is the true architect always busy planning something, trying create some kind of existence but he's usually 100 steps ahead of anyone else and I don't know whats happening. He believes that I and everyone else should be on his level of giving 110% everyday (to work) and can not understand how you or I could not know what we want from life because he knows what he wants so obviously that means everyone else should too. Coupled with the fact I have bipolar it is very easy to blame our problems on me.

This is not to say I don't love him and he doesn't love me it is just we face challenges fairly regularly at the moment in the way in which we communicate about life and many things in general. Especially with me being pregnant and shiz, my hormones flying all over the place. I frustrate husband every damn day because I have no ambition, no drive, no spark.

Some days I get everything done like a boss the next I want to wallow in bed with the dogs. On Saturday for the second day in a row when he asked what I was doing my answer was simply "Nothing"

I did not want to see anyone, speak to anyone, be seen, or even interact with another human. I was feeling heavy in my body and mind. There is a bowling ball stuck to my stomach. None of my clothes fit. My hair is just awful. I have not been feeling myself.

The answer nothing angered husband. He believes I am capable of so much more or at least his standard are bloody lot higher than mine and a mere mortal such as myself can't live up to them. That's how it feels at times. So he raged about how if he was pregnant he would have achieved greatness already. ( Woman reading this you may all laugh out loud right now) I just sat and listened to him, thinking that he knows nothing about having a vagina and really could man ever truly understand the responsibility given to women to be capable of growing a life inside them?

Husband doesn't understand that 2 and a half years after flipping my world upside down I am still incredibly lost and trying to find myself. After all I thought I was myself when I married him. But that self doesn't fit in to this world. Why can't I be that self? Maybe the reason I struggle so hard is because I continue to try and find myself when I had already been myself? You get me?

So since Saturday I have been soul searching, this is where he say's "I told you so, I gave you a kick up the bum and now you're on your way."

It's kinda routine but doesn't make the kick up the bum any nicer I am sure a warm embrace and the words I believe in you would have the desired effect also. I then wouldn't actually be pushing myself to prove him wrong but rather I would be pushing myself to be what he believes me to be. One day on his journey he may learn that.

I figured out that to know what I want now I need to know what I wanted then, what I still want now and if I can make it happen.

The things I wanted when I landed in Perth -

1. I wanted to be known, an entertainer in some way. Not in the stripper sense although that was how I was known at the time. I have always believed I have something to give to the world, a story to tell, a lesson to teach and happiness, lots of happiness.

2. Pole dance on stage, again I am not talking about getting all naked but just performing on the pole. I (excuse my french) fucking loved being up on stage.

3. Travel. I wanted to see the world. Explore. See new things. Be a gypsy.

4. Have a baby. Hahaha I honestly thought I would fall pregnant while travelling, and it would have been a holiday romance that was just that a holiday romance no more. I believed it would be my miracle baby because after all with endo I was always told it wouldn't happen haha.

I wasn't stressed about money as I just knew it would come to me and I was going to be successful no matter what. No where on my list was fall in love and set roots BUT thats what happened and I am still trying to figure out if my old list fits in my new life or if I need a new list.

If I write a new list am I losing myself? Will my new list be true to myself or is it me just trying to conform? Do you see how I could possibly have got so lost? You meet the love of your life, so that means it should all just fit, right? But it doesn't, so does that mean I am not who I thought I was? I find myself questioning everything trying so hard to work it out. What do I want?

After a few days of soul searching I have started my new list;

1. To be happy and healthy.

2. Be happily married to husband and love each other unconditionally***

*** by unconditionally I don't mean be a mug but I mean understand each others flaws and short comings and continue to love each other not just in spite of them but because you can see the best in them.***

3. To have 2 babies. Sorry husband we will have to go through this pregnancy thing again haha, I actually want 6 kids so you are getting off lightly.

4. To continue to be a loving step mother to step daughter always striving to let her know she is a part of our family and her place is as our eldest child. Having my own children wont change that.

5. To continue to be a loving fur mum and eventually one day have my fur kids trained.

6. I want to be known. I want to entertain the world. I want to share my stories. I want to teach others how to overcome hardship. Whether it be through people reading my blog or attending friend HER or Pixie Love's School of Sass! I have something to give to the world (Knowing this is important).

7. After baby comes I want to get back on the pole, even if no ones watching.

8. I want to travel. I want to see the world and share that with husband and our children. I want to be a gypsy with a home a to come back to.

9. What I really want, what I really really want.... Is to just be a hippy haha. I think I landed on the wrong side of Aus haha.

10. Financial independence. This is not because I want independence from husband but because I actually want to have something to contribute to our family and lets be honest if I want to keep travelling and husband will most likely be working I need to pay for it haha.

Now I know what I want, and what I want hasn't changed much from 2 and a half years ago. The who has changed, the person I want it with has 110% changed. Before I wanted it alone but now I want it with husband. I want this home that we are building around us, a base somewhere for me to anchor when I need. Beside my soulmate for him to ground me. For it not to be a prison where my wings are clipped. With our children.

The big thing though, my wall is the how. How can I achieve the life that I want? Now this is where I need to put my thinking cap on and come up with some ideas. Feel free to share your ideas with me. I am always open.

So in summary I didn't really need to do much soul searching, who I am and what I want is still the same as when husband met me and really I just need to stop trying to fit myself in a box that I don't belong in. We all need to remember to be true to ourselves, because it is when you stop that things get dark. Don't lose your sparkle!!!