#metoo

In April 2000 an event occurred that changed my life and my families lives forever. Please be aware that this post may be distressing to some readers. #metoo

Late one night at the end of April 2000, I was in the car with my mum on the way to the Royal Alexandra Children's Hospital in Brighton as my younger brother had an asthma attack earlier that day and was being kept in. This was the first time I had been alone with my mum for some time. Being the eldest of 4 children meant alone time with mum was rare. We drove past one of her friends houses and I decided that this was the time to tell her. Behind her friends house down the lane was another house, a house in dissary, a house I knew very well.

Lets go back a bit....

Most people remember where they were on that famous new years night, the one when everyone thought the world would end. I am no different. My uncle took us to an event in Greenwich London, it was a big event with celebs and all sorts. I had not long celebrated my 13th birthday and I thought I was an adult.

At the event I was introduced to a boy and girl. They were brother and sister. She was younger than me and he was older.

I became infatuated with the boy, he was older and edgy and didn't give a rats arse about anything. A real bad boy for life. He was very troubled and at my young naive age I became that girl, the one that thought she could change the boy.

I quickly became good friends with the girl spending a lot of time with her. Their father was an alcoholic and wasn't home much and their mother had passed away a few years before. All in all they were a very sad family that seemed to me to need a lot of love.

Over the next few months my friendship with the girl grew stronger and I spent more and more time at their house, as did my infatuation with him.

Why do we always think we can save them? I was 13 saving some 15 year old boy from himself really shouldn't have been at the top of my agenda.

In the April mum and step dad went on holiday to Portugal for a week leaving us children with our beloved Nana. One night I told her I was staying at a girlfriends house as I wasn't allowed to stay at this boy and girls house. Obviously I was lying to her but at that age I thought they were being overprotective.

In the lead up to that night so many things had happened that should have fully warned me of what could occur if I stayed there.

I one thing in the lead up to that night that haunts me to this day, and I have never been able to forgive myself for was when I had taken my little brother to meet the girl. He must have been 3 years old. I spent a lot of time with him then he was my little man. We were at their house waiting for the girl when the boy and his friend started screaming at us. They got really close and screamed in our faces. I picked up my brother and ran they chased us down the lane throwing stones at us all while laughing. I have never discussed this event with my brother mainly out of guilt and reliving any events around that time are still desperately hard for me. They hurt my heart.

On the night I lied I was hanging out with the girl, boy and his friends. Everyone was rowdy and no one cared about the neighbours. At some point in the evening a bucket of water had been thrown over me and I had had to change my clothes. It was late and the boy called me in to his bedroom. He was on the bed and his friend Rat, it wasn't rat but like rat, was sat on the floor. I sat down next to Rat while boy was talking to me about his girlfriend who was cheating on him.

There was a massive hole in the wall and you could see out to the landing. The room was dark apart from the light coming through the hole.

Boy lent down and pulled me up on to the bed. He said he wanted to have sex with me. I told him I didn't want to. He was holding me down and unbuttoning my trousers. He said he needed it to feel better about his girlfriend. Rat left the room. Leaving me pinned down with hands groping. I heard him tell the others "She said she loves him but doesn't want to have sex." He put his mouth over mine. He told me to bite down if it hurt.

The next thing girl and our friend were outside the room calling me slut. I didn't scream. I just kept saying no.

The next day boy told everyone I had sex with him. His girlfriend was having a go at me, I told her I didn't.

The boy and his friends threw me down the stairs. One of his friends spat in my mouth.

I don't know why I was still there. I don't know why I didn't just leave. Still to this day I can't tell you. I can't even tell you why I ever went in that house.

I was black and blue from where boy and a friend and hit me with a metal pole.

For 2 weeks I didn't tell anyone. I was so ashamed. I felt so guilty for lying.

While I had mum alone, while we drove past the house, I knew I had to tell mum. Just by telling her I could breathe.

What I want everyone to know is that no matter what leads up to that moment, if you say no at that moment, no means no! You are allowed to change your mind it is your body and only you have control of it. If you too are someone that can say me too, know that you are not at fault, you did nothing wrong.

All these years on I still have nightmares, a lot less but when I am stressed they come back. But I don't think of it everyday like I use to.

I will teach my child to respect not just their body and boundaries but everyone else's too! I will be the change I want to see in the world. #metoo